Sunday, August 09, 2009

Now Playing: G . I. Joe - The Rise of Cobra

I went in thinking "I'm going to hate this movie" and I left thinking "I hate this movie" … you what the irony of it is? The middle part (you know, during the actual movie) I was quite entertained. Let me explain. As an action movie, G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was actually pretty damned good. Things blew up in convincing ways, people exchanged witticisms, the boys were hot, the girls were cool, the weapons were awesome. Check check check for summer blockbustery goodness.

(Spoilers below. Like you care.)

And then there is the Baroness. I think all the issues I have with this movie stem from this one character. First, and most obvious of all, the Baroness is NOT Russian! Instead, she's as American as everyone else. To add salt to this wound (and it's a gaping oozing wound, because I was really looking forward to her saying "Vee haff vays of making you talk"), Sienna Miller dropped her already cool British accent… consider me boggled. Then, after spending the movie thinking she's pretty much the biggest badass in the movie (e.g. after yelling at a cowering civilian to get out, she says "nice shoes"… *melt*), we find out she's actually been mind-controlled... what.   and THEN, she ends up going to jail, voluntarily…what!  and THEN she says lines like "I can't be let out of here, not after what I did" … WHAT!? The Baroness is just about the wickedest female bad guy out there - she was not a dipped-in-grey villain like Catwoman or Harley Quinn. She was smart, clever, evil and she did it all in skin-tight leather, dammit! And they took all that away! I feel betrayed. She was an empowered woman (yes, an evil woman, but evil of her own will) not some simpering girlfriend with abandonment issues. And they just stripped her of all that cool. They even made her a blonde. I am so mad about this.

Also, no one should ever cast Channing Tatum. In anything. Ever.

Boo! 2.5 out of 5 stars.

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