Now Playing: 2012

You see, poppets, somewhere in the cold caverns known as my heart, there is a warm, mushy spot reserved for crazy, popcorn-munching, landmark-decimating movies. Also, somewhere in there, is a tiny crevice kept aside for John Cusack (he shares it with his sister, whom I adored in a certain muppet movie). Never have these two phenomena had cause to overlap... until today. I give to you: 2012.

First of all, and let me clear about this, this movie is the disaster to end all disaster movies. You want earthquakes? It has earthquakes. You want volcanoes? Ditto. Tsunamis? check. In fact, it had just about every natural disaster that would make for scary moments in there, except tornadoes (but there is a joke about it!). And that's not all. I mean, what disaster movie would be complete without the obligatory obliteration of beloved man-made structures... so, as a gift to you, 2012 includes the destruction of the White House, the Vatican and Las Vegas. Finally, what disaster movie would be complete without a few noble sacrifices, and 2012 does not fail us here: it comes complete with the US President staying behind to join his late wife, the dalai lama ringing the last two gongs and, of course, a brilliant third world scientist who is sacrificed by a greedy politician. All this, for the low, low price of one admission.

So, really, what was wrong with 2012? Well, for me, it all comes back to the screw upon which this movie turns: an ancient Mayan prediction about planetary alignment and catastrophe. ...really? I kind of wish they would have made a joke about that instead and had this all happen in 2013 or something. Alack. So, from the get-go, I was sceptical. Then there's John-Cusack-as-action-movie hero... in a word? No. Just... no. Finally, there's the absolutely unbelivability of the Chinese actually helping us out in a time of crisis. I mean, that stretches anyone's suspension of disbelief to a snapping point. So, while the action was unrelenting and the CGI simply fantastic, 2012 never rose, in my humble opinion, to anything higher than a case study in blockbuster entertainment.

I think this movie would have done much better in the lazy, hazy days of August, when our brains are soft and all we want to do is chill in an air-conditioned movie theatre. I also think we could have used some Will Smith. 2.5 out of 5 stars.