Wednesday, May 06, 2009

so close to something better left unknown

"...I can feel it in my bones."

So, another crack at the Senior Librarian can and yet another failure. This time, I hadn't really expected to get it, I thought I knew who had it in the bag. But when I saw who did get it... well, it's not I don't like the guy or think I'm better than him. I don't know what I thought. At least, I don't remember any coherent thoughts. To top it off, it came on the heels of my one of my worst appraisals - one in which I was told to stop trying to be an A+ worker and instead try to spend more time chatting with colleagues. No really - exact words.

I didn't have an emotional breakdown or a cry-fest or even a conciliatory bowl of ice cream. I just realised that, all things being equal, I am not Senior material in public library, that my personality is not suited to supervising a bunch of emotionally-inclined touchy-feely people. That all the things at which I excel - task-completion, report-making, high-efficiency, low-tolerance-of-bullshit - that all these things are not appreciated in an environment where we're constantly pussyfooting around people so we don't hurt their precious fragile feelings. I also realised that the very people I can't supervise have the same personality as the people who supervise me: they don't understand that I thrive in an environment of gold stars and responsibility; that the way to my heart is a pay-raise, not cookies; that I need to feel rewarded; that if I don't respect your work ethic, I cannot respect you.

I'm a pretty good Librarian. I should just stop trying to be more than that. I cannot change my inherent personality - which is to get the job done in a timely, logical and courteous manner. Even though I work with children, my philosophy stays the same: deliver a high level of service, in a manner that is informed and friendly; create a welcoming environment; anticipate the needs of my customers. And you know what? They love me. I get gifts and hugs and gap-toothed smiles and I feel rewarded. Why do I want to give this up? For a bigger paycheque? Well, yes and I like the feeling of being responsible.

But alas, in the public library world - run by a bunch of blues - my little ole green self is a square peg trying to shove herself into a round hole. Here, words like "logical" and "efficient" get redefined as "cold". Here, they would rather hear you double-talk and not give an answer very politely than actually hear the truth. *sigh* I should just stick to being a very good Librarian: I should start shooting the shit at the desk more, stop writing to-do lists and continue to simply be loved by my customers and colleagues, if not my bosses. Because all the things that engage me are all the things don't align with the machine in which I work. There's nothing sad about it - it's just the way it is.

So. Instead of trying to be an A+ student, I'm going to be a B. It's going to be hard, but I'm sure that I'll be happier for it.

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Wow! They wan't to work less and bullshit more? Really?

You know, my work environment is the complete opposite. We're all about stats and accuracy and volume. Too much chatting will get you called in to the Supervisor's office - like going to the Principal's office! It's ridiculous sometimes, how they treat us like children. Starting your shift at 8:30am DOES NOT mean you walk in the door promplty at 8:30am. It means you're at your desk, computer up and running, work in hand at 8:29am. Leaving 1 minute before your shift ends will get you a talkin' to and the issue will be raised at the next staff meeting, b/c "in all fairness to the other staff, we should honour our shift commitments" or some bullshit.

There it's all about logic and efficiency; otherwise, especially if you're on contract, you're done!

I think you should keep doing what you do. You know, one day you'll be the Senior Librarian, the Manager ... and you can make it right LOL they gotta retire sometime!

Malecasta said...

that seems a bit repressive for me as well... 8:29? I'm still sleeping sometimes at that time! I like the freedom I have - I just wish my desire to get work done before playing a game of charades was appreciated.

Acadian Librarian said...

I think you can still work with efficiency and still chat - just have it as one of your to-do items (but don't look like you are just trying to check off talking to lib x, y & z)...

If it's any consolation - I have a boss who can never decide what she wants - who keeps changing her mind, whose very behaviour contradicts what she states she wants from me. Oh, and I am blue/green combo - my heart at odds with my head literally. Oy vey.

Malecasta said...

Acadian, you understand colours! I'm a Gold/Green and my manager is an Orange/Blue - can you get more head-buttage?! *le sigh* I feel your pain on modelling behaviour (or lack thereof) though... if only there was such a thing as as freelance librarianship :)