things taken for granted

I woke up this morning feeling like someone's punching bag. I'm not complaining; far from. These are like birthing pains: easily forgiven for the end product. I spent eight hours last night labouring over the new condo and my oft-ignored upper-body was screaming at me this morning for it. Jadek (the bastard) is feeling "fine" while I can't reach above shoulder-level.

Knowing this, you can understand my slow pace at work today. I especially dreaded having to reach for any top shelf books. So, when I got a question for "pathophysiology" books, I was already thinking about how we probably won't have anything of use. While my slow catalogue took its time to think about my request, I asked my customer if it was for personal or professional use (not because I'm curious, but because I didn't want to hand her a health manual when she's looking for a diet book...librarians out there understand). In her lovely Nigerian accent, she said she was studying for an equivalency exam. In our brief walk over to the shelves, she told me about her worries over tripping our alarm by taking a book through that she'd checked out yesterday but had brought with her to study today. She was anxious about anyone calling the police or, worse, taking away her newly issued library card. I reassured her that neither of those things would happen. When she asked if she could take out all three books I showed her, even though she already had one, I replied that she could take up to fifty items out on her card. She tells me: "in the library back home, we may take out one book at a time."

I cannot imagine worrying about the police responding to a book alarm, or a library so small that you can only take out one book at a time. As she flipped through Pathophysiology for Health Professionals by Barbara Gould, I couldn't help but notice the scars that crisscrossed the backs of hands. What had brought her here? Had she been one of the privileged elite to receive a high-class education, the scars a remnant of happy childhood adventures? Had she escaped a terrible existence and those scars were her badges of honour? I don't know - it was probably neither. Here I was, complaining about sore muscles I'd gotten by cleaning my condo in safe suburban Canada. My biggest worry right now is if they would get my washer/dryer in by the week's end. I take a lot of things for granted: life, liberty, friends, and freedom. It only takes three soft-spoken "thank you"s to make me appreciate them all over again.

how to have a fabulous birthday

...if you're me.

1) Wear whatever you please. If that means a red corset and thick black eyeliner, go for it.

2) Land at your best friend's place for wine and chips. If she gives you a fairy princess glow wand, wave it about with abandon. It's your birthday and a wand is a completely acceptable accessory. If you break your fairy princess wand tapping the DJ a thank you, make sure you save the star - it's the magicest part. And yes, magicest is a word.

3) Go out with your friends to your favourite club. If your favourite club is closed for some inexplicable reason, go to another. Club hop until you find a place that's either a) rocktastic or b) dead enough that the DJ plays anything you request. All night.

4) Drink all the drinks bought for you. Don't be shy. And don't throw up. If someone tries to steal your wand, let them know your friends bought it for you, and that, if they had better friends, they could have one too. Do NOT relinquish the wand.

5) Get a ride home. Encourage your driver to take the fastest route possible. Fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow (but take off your makeup first! you'll thank me in the morning.) If you leave the glow wand in someone's car, don't panic! You still have the star, remember?

6) If you have tickets for a free movie, wake up and attend it. In your pyjamas if you have to. Afterwards, fall back asleep.

7) Let your mom cook for you. Let your godfather barbeque for you. Let your brother and his friends entertain you. Lastly, let your very sleepy friends take a nap on your couch.

8) If you're scheduled for work, go for it. Just let your co-workers know it's your birthday and most likely you will totally not have to pull your weight all shift.

9) Watch a movie with a hot actor in it. This is key. I went for Will Smith this year. Eat something wholly bad for you afterward...ribs and cookie cake, anyone?

10) Do all these things in the 72 hours preceding your actual date of birth; on the Big Day, sleep, eat, drink, play with your newly acquired bar stools. Haven't you earned it?

Thanks to all those who indulged my whims and wishes. You guys make getting old something to which I look forward.

Now Playing: Get Smart

Have been putting off watching Get Smart until a time when I could go with my dad to see it. Growing up, we watched Don Adams and Barbara Feldon weeknights after school together. Bonding moments, if you will. Those snappy lines ("missed it by that much" and "would you believe...") were a part of our regular conversations. So, when I heard they were making a movie I thought two things simultaneously: a) I have to go see this with dad and b) I hope they don't fuck it up. I mean, I loved Inspector Gadget but didn't enjoy the movie adaptation at all.

I knew from within the first few frames that they would do it right when I saw "Dr. Claw (or 'Craw')" written on Smart's notes. Brilliant, that.

Anyway, the checklist.
- Casting: excellent. Carrell and Hathaway are perfect to step into the shoe-phones of Max and Agent 99. Alan Arkin is genius at the Chief and Terence Stamp is a fab Siegfried (honestly, can General Zod ever play a good guy?). Even the cameos are wicked, which I won't spoil here.
- Plot: actually quite engaging! I didn't expect to actually be surprised by anything, but I was. And, of course, the humour was there as well.
- Believability: absolutely. The spirit of the original show is still intact, but the actors make the characters their own. Even the technology is the exact mix of sophisticated and wacky.

Drawbacks? None really, except I didn't think it was as funny as people made it out to be (damn high expectations). For a comedy, I was thoroughly entertained and don't regret the movie theatre prices. Most importantly, Dad enjoyed it too. 4 out of 5 stars.

PS: "Chuck Norris with a BB gun"? Gold.

Now Playing: Hancock

So, all the reviews say how Hancock falls apart in the second half. I don't get it. Ignore the reviews.

Will Smith is back, saving the world. Reluctantly. (Would it be a July without Willie putting down some baddies? I was surprised they released I Am Legend in the winter, when he could have easily been saving us from those freaks in the summer... but I digress). So yeah, Hancock. What's there not to like? Reluctant hero: check. Pretty people: check. Witty banter: check. Jason Bateman: check check. Good times. Special effects were nicely done too - nothing over the top or eye-popping, it all seemed very natural. Which is perfect for the movie. Loved that Hancock was an all-out jerk, but didn't have any crazy ugly-duckling-to-beautiful-swan moments. He kept his personality and just checked his attitude a little. (The "asshole" running joke is fairly well-played).

The major drawback would definitely be Hancock's origin story. This is perhaps what people are referring to when they comment about the movie having a "twist" and "going off track". Yes, it was poorly handled, but doesn't really detract from the rest of the fun. Another flaw is also the film's lack of "urgency." It only clocks in at 92 minutes; if they had added an extra ten minutes of footage showing the city falling apart without Hancock, or some indication that LA needs this super-messed-up-hero, I think it may have sold the story a lot more.

An excellent popcorn-muncher. Don't have really high expectations. 3 out of 5 stars.

Sneak Preview: Journey to the Centre of the Earth

Woke up at the ungodly hour of 9am yesterday (after a late night of indulgences) to attend the sneak preview of Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Let's get right to it.

I had no intention of watching this movie as a paying customer; free passes were what lured me in. Thankfully. The movie was filmed entirely in 3D and they don't wait to get into it - the first cheap in-your-face appears about 4 minutes after the credits. And it's gross-out nature entertained the kiddies in the hall. Some of the effects were silly (I'm looking at you, measuring-tape-gag) and some were fantastic (yo-yo scene? wicked). Clocking in at 92 minutes, I am impressed they sustained that level of special effects production for that long. I'm also impressed it captivated my attention enough that I didn't fall asleep.

Other points: the script and delivery were pretty bad, but you're not watching this movie for its witticisms and philosophy. Brendan Fraser seems unable to sell us his "I'm a geology professor" line - that guy will always be Encino Man to me. Seth Meyers is his usual smarmy self; I'm waiting for when he pulls an Adam Sandler and get us all serious on us. Anita Briem's Hannah was a lot of fun and Josh Hutcherson didn't completely irritate me as a child actor.

If you're going to see it, and I'm not saying you should, do yourself a favour and watch it in a venue with the biggest screen possible (IMAX, where available) so you can take full advantage of the nifty glasses (that you get to keep!). 2.5 out of 5 stars.

PS: though it has no bearing on my review, the Canadian references? Cheap but funny. Yes, someone mentioned Ottawa (not Toronto) when referring to moving to Canada! Shocking, that.

roaring twenties

My Birthday Weekend (tm) commenceth! I started it off by writing gobs of cheques for my new condo (more on that later), but it promises to get better! Tonight, I predrink a bottle of red wine, I party with my people at Funhaus, and have Senator bring me back to the 'burbs.. Love you Senator! Tomorrow, I wake up early and stave off my (inevitable) hangover by attending a sneak preview of Journey to the Centre of the Earth at 10am (A.M.!?!? I'm crazy. I know. But it's free.) I'm sure Senator will coax me out of bed. Then I allow my mom to celebrate her birthday during my Birthday Weekend (tm) by letting her cook yummy food which I will then eat and for which I will compliment her. Sunday means opening Hollywood presents: this year, they send me Will Smith in a rubber suit. He joins the ranks of Johnny, Keanu and Christian. Welcome to the club, Mr. Smith! After that, Montana's has decided to bring back AYCE ribs just for me, so I'll be there to ... wait for it... PORK OUT! FYI: I'm also allowed unlimited punnage during my Birthday Weekend (tm). On Monday, the dawning of the Seventh, sees me at the lawyer's office with aforementioned cheques, then at Baskin Robbins for celebratory ice cream, free lunch with the boys (yay Tony Roma's!) and getting Smart with the 'rentals! *sigh* all weekend should be Birthday Weekends (tm).

I greet my late twenties with a salute and a wink. Here's to many more celebrations that bring me together with the people that matter. Let the fun times roll!

Now Playing: Wanted

Holy Christ. That was fun. I haven't felt this excited about a shoot-em-up since that iconic lobby scene in Matrix. Whew! Was that ever fantastic. Nine reasons why Wanted was pretty fabulous (warning - spoiler may be ahead. proceed at your own risk:
1) James McAvoy is shirtless. and hot. Can't go wrong with that.
2) Angelina Jolie is asked to do what she does best: not talk and act entirely with her eyebrows. She's just fab as the luscious Fox.
3) Catching a loom shuttle? Fun. The Loom of Fate? Even better.
4) Bullet-bending effects (not the physics; just the effects)
5) Unapologetic gore. seriously. This earned every single MPAA warning.
6) Ergonomic keyboards and their very loose keys (also: tooth = U)
7) "Luke, I am your father." No, wait, that's another movie...
8) Did I mention that fucking shoot-em-up scene? Gawd!
9) Morgan Motherfucking Freeman.

Don't look for anything cerebral. There is no Zen Buddhist philosophy lurking here, no red-pill-blue-pill paradoxes, no deep meditation. There is action - serious action - and there is entertainment. Go. See. It. 4.5 out of 5 stars.