Now Playing: Crank: High Voltage

The third instalment in the now internationally acclaimed ""Movies I Would Only Watch if They're Free"series" brings us a whole new level of desperate: Crank: high voltage. My feelings regarding Jason Statham are a matter of public record.

But I feel I should put all my biases on full display so there's no question as to my motives or hangups.
- I didn't watch the first Crank. I haven't watched the Transporter series or The One. I can barely recognise Statham from the hits of Snatch and Italian Job (handsome Rob, indeed). So, no, I wouldn't consider myself a fan - merely an admirer of very pretty man-flesh.
- I really like action movies, especially the well-choreographed kind. It can involve fights, brawls, cars or chases - no matter, as long as I find myself leaning forward, holding my breath or left with the uncontrollable urge to turn to my movie-mates and mouth "take that, bitch!" Some of favourite movies are action flicks.
- I can forgive a lot in the name of entertainment.

So, CHV. What can I say? This movie wasn't just over-the-top, it was practically begging you to throw up your hands and walk the fuck out of the theatre. It wasn't just a little condescending towards women, it flat out humiliates them ... I haven't seen that much gratuitous flesh on display since that porn marathon from fourth year. But just when you think "God, are they serious?" they throw in a porn strike with actual porn stars and you're left with "no, I guess not." This movie has no limits: Chelios goes from licking a battery to hugging a live electrical pole; not enough to slice off one nipple, gotta do it twice; can't just have an unmentioned twin or even an unnamed third brother/nemesis... nope, gotta have a floating head in an aquarium.

I don't what to say. It's honestly that insane. The movie is just bat-shit-crazy. And it knows it. It knows it and loves it and wants you to know that it knows. How do you rate a movie like that? Is this some sort of Shakespearean antic disposition that makes you say well it's bad movie only if it doesn't know it's a bad movie... but what if it does? Is it still bad if it knows it's bad and laughs at you for sitting there are watching it? and why am I having this deep cinosophical discussion about freaking Crank, for God's sake?

Alright, alright. Have to rate it. There were moments of uncomplicated amusement and some good scripting. But, was it better than Fast & Furious? Hmmm... No, I guess not. But it wasn't worse. If only it had ended in the fireball with which it was meant. 2.5 out of 5 stars.