Tuesday, July 06, 2010

love me do

I had an interesting conversation with a cousin of mine over the weekend regarding love.

Some context: I'm about to turn thirty, am single and actually pretty happy about it. I have lots of friends, of both genders, who are happy/single, happy/taken, unhappy/single (though quickly diminishing) and unhappy/taken. I know very little about love, having experienced it in only small quantities. I do know about lust, passion and jealousy however.

With this sparse knowledge, I began listening to the tale of Ali, who's been dating someone for seven months, who's already exchanged the big L and who actually thinks she's being smothered by her too-attentive mate. At seven months? You already feel smothered? I say it's over. The first blush of romance has faded. Then, she tells me the saddest thing I've ever heard: "relationships aren't really about love; they're about 'used-to-it'ness". Every last mushy feeling in me gasps in horror. So, I share with her what I think a relationship is really based on (as if I'm some expert).

She's right, a relationship isn't based on love. It's based on:

1) Respect: out of that respect, comes all the vows that are important (truthfulness, faithfulness, acceptance and forgiveness). This is why you have to give him space to breathe and tinker and read and play (with or without you); he does the same for you.

2) Passion: often confused with lust, passion is the desire to truly be with someone. It doesn't mean that you are with them 24/7 (because you should have lives outside each other) and it's more than missing them when they're not around. I think the true marker of passion is when you're having a really good time (say, drinking vodka shots at the Arctic Circle at midnight) and you think "I wish he could share this with me" - that's passion.

3) Lust: also very important. If he doesn't make your insides a little wobbly - especially when he's all dressed up and wearing that amazing cologne - he's just your friend.

4) Humour: he's got to keep you entertained, whether it's because he knows which movies to rent or what kind of game you want to play or when you just want to drink a pina colada on a patio. A sure sign that he has your attention? You've closed down the restaurant. He has to be able to make you laugh - right out of a bad mood, if necessary - or what are you going to do when you're old and feeble?

Truly, love is a childish ideal that Hallmark doesn't let us forget; it's something that made our teenage hearts melt but that doesn't really exist. There is no perfect man (or woman) and certainly no perfect relationships. Every successful relationship to which I've been exposed has one thing in common: work. Which brings me to:

5) Determination: when the road gets bumpy (and it will get bumpy), you have to have the determination to ride it out and fix the potholes. Divorce is not an option; leaving is not an option. When you are determined to work at something, the chances for success grow exponentially. Hope, faith and charity will get you started but it's old-fashioned elbow grease that will get you through. I see too many people walk away over the smallest of things.

If you experience all these qualities, then you're in Love my friend. The kind of Love that doesn't fade, but glows. The kind of Love other people can see when you both walk into a room and can feel even when you're not on the same continent. It's a good Love, a kind Love, an accepting Love. None of this RomCom bullshit. It's Love with a capital L. And I'll just bet that more than a few of us have walked away from it because it was just easier to do so.

Oh, and Ali? I give them two months. Why? See above.

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Agreed!!!

I'm front row to a relationship lacks much of #1: Respect. It's been going on for a few years, even before Mar and I met and back then, I hadn't had any real experience with long-term relationships. So when I'd tell this girl to leave him b/c he was a jerk and disrespectful, she'd say: "But, I love him!" and when I'd reply: "Love has nothing to do with it!" she'd throw at me: "Well, you don't understand, you've never had a long-term, real relationship!" I wanted to say to her:"Then don't f**ing tell me your drama!!" But I never did. I just kept reminding her that whether he's your boyfriend/husband, or brother, or neighbour, if he's calling you names, cursing at you, telling you you're shit and such things... it wasn't necessary to have a degree in romantic relationships to see that kind of disrespect was not to be tolerated by any means! Even if you "love" them.

The sad part, she keeps hoping and wishing it will get better and I'm always reminding her it won't. I'm not a sugar-coater, and I don't think she likes that very much.

Meh.

~M

Malecasta said...

I'm glad a happy/taken weighed in on this, because while I've had my share of LTRs (long-term-relationships), I'm always told that I'm too cynical.

Unknown said...

I don't think it's about being cynical, it's about being realistic and not being overly dissappointed when all the mushy, lovey dovey, courting is done with and you can't just sit on the couch and hold hands all evening b/c you have to wash dishes and make lunches or talking on the phone till the batteries run out b/c those 200 minutes/month run out pretty fast and the phone bill is twice as much the next month.

Anonymous said...

Love is about the compromise. Both people, willing to to compromise, equally.

And love is about loving yourself. If you feel none of those things as a single and are only looking for it in someone else because they will "save" you - it's doomed.

DK