Thursday, February 21, 2008

i wish i was a little bit taller

Reading my friend CB's facebook note got me thinking. Yes, I'm a reactionary writer - deal with it. She was saying how she had never been the "Good girl gone bad" but rather the "Good girl gone somewhat disappointing to her parents for her less than stellar attitude but still a good girl overall". This made me actually LOL (and, being at work, that's quite the compliment). It got me thinking about all the funny impressions people have of me (this is where I invite you, dear readers, to contradict me as much as you like).

When I was in high school, I was your quintessential good girl on paper. By the time I graduated, I had served three years as the newspaper editor, co-captain of the debate team, barrister and coach for mock trial, radio DJ and pen pal for ESL students. For all this, they gave me the Catholic Student Award. On the other hand, I had talked my way down from a three-day suspension to a five-day lunch-time detention for a certain cemented locker incident, I still have scars from fighting in the hallways/yards and I never got a little gold star beside my name on the academic honour roll.

All my life, I wished I could be cooler that I really was. I tried to get second-holes in my ears, but they got infected and ended that dream. I wore 8-hole doc's and a ear cuff, but never dyed my hair blue or hemmed my kilt short. I only stood up for myself once (Ms. Waters and grade 11 World Religions pushed me over the edge, man) and got caught skipping class once (which was SO dumb, because I had finshed writing the grade 9 province-wide tests early and had chosen to play cards in the atrium instead of going home - l.o.s.e.r.) High school = moderate smart-ass.

I had thought that once I left the confines of my overly-strict 'rental unit, I would spread my wings and soar. But no. In university, I turned out to be even less involved. I wanted to like partying at clubs and staying out late and wearing sexier clothes ... alas, I found that stuff took too much effort for little to no gain. I got one "shut up, Emily" in four years, and then, too, it wasn't me who said it; rather, a certain disstinguished, bearded professor beat me to the punch. No academic accomplishments, no extra-curricular badges... just a lot of hours sleeping in class and watching Trading Spaces.

People are always saying how "loud" I am, how "outgoing", "social" and "unapologetically frank" (read: tactless) I am. Truth be told, I don't feel it. I feel pretty quiet in terms of voice, pretty tame in terms of self. I feel like a total poser, really. I mean, I give off this impression of larger-than-life, self-assured, wicked-smart, witty, modern chick... but I don't actually feel like I'm any of these things. I'm afraid, one day, someone's going to look at me and expose me as a fraud: a dull, mousy, geek-wannabe whose closest brush with wild was waking up in a strange place after an all-you-can-drink kegger. I wish I was ... more.

Ugh - I sound like a pity party. I'll stop here.

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