ahhh, good friends who are also old friends. Both a blessing a curse it seems; especially when they're intent on bursting your memory bubble. Had a craving for cheesy nachos and met up with one of my closest friends who "kept me company" (read: ate half my nachos so I didn't take any home). We hadn't hung out just the two of us in ages and we just chatted about all sorts of random things (my raid boss "costume"; his surprise associations with some people I know; my tendency to answer phone calls I shouldn't be - stick with me, poppets, it's all related).
We got to talking about how I ran into someone from high school at a party who snidely commented that I "wouldn't know the pain that was high school because I was popular" - buh? I looked to him to join me in the eye-rolling. I mean, he was there - he knows I was just ... average. He laughs at my assessment. Literally. He says to me: "are you kidding?" I slowly shake my head. But he was there. Here's his vision of my high school life: "you were smart, pretty and always on the morning announcements; you had huge parties that had, like, sixty people at them; you were easily recognised and fairly respected; you were popular - people wanted to hang out with you."
what what what? smart? pretty?! popular?!! I am so confused. Was I that crazy? Am I having false memories? Jesus. I wouldn't have thought anyone even noticed me: I shopped at Biway and Goodwill; I brought brown bagged lunches to school everyday; I had no one to hold hands with between classes... hell, I didn't even have a date for my own prom.
"It doesn't matter what you thought was happening, it's the perceived reality of the situation: you were invited to birthday parties and your friends were invited because of you; you had blowout parties where you invited half our grade - imagine how the other half felt; when you raised your hand, people may have thought, "oh my god, not her again" but not because you weren't smart, but because were too smart; and the only reason you never had a boyfriend is because the guys that wanted to ask you out thought you were too good for them and they were wasting their time. Trust me, I know."
Well, fuck. Colour me floored.
"So stop acting so surprised when you meet old high school people who were way less popular than you. It will probably only irritate them when they think about all those summer parties you attended that they weren't even invited to. You have the mantle of popularity; you've always had it, you just haven't realised it." Mantle of popularity? Suddenly, very uncomfortable.
I said it was all related, and here it is: I'm playing a new "game" where my role is to be a raid boss; my biggest excitement (aside from dressing up for the role) is making new friends. But I'm worried - will they think I'm too much of a nerd? Maybe I ought not speak in tongues the first time we meet? Will it be weird because I'll be the only girl there? I mean, will they like me? He says, yes, it will be fine. That if I can make nice with the freaks and geeks that frequent the library (he apparently knows my new acquaintances), I'll have no issues.
I begin lamenting that, wow, I can actually count on one hand the amount of friends I see on a regular basis (i.e. every two weeks or so). I'm hoping this game thing works out, because it means one more evening of my week that I don't spend alone. He says to me: "you should really stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've traded quantity for quality." This is true, I concede. But still - I hate seeing old friends fade away. He says: "answering phone calls from people who should be fading away is probably a bad idea." yeah, maybe, but I mean, if someone leaves a message, shouldn't I call back? It's so rude if I don't. "Don't kid yourself. You're only calling back because you get something out of it. The faster you figure out what that something is, the faster you'll be able to decide whether it's worth it - really worth it." But... but... I don't get anything out of it - except the occasional case of misery. "Bullshit. You take those phone calls because it probably feeds the shattered ego of the niner-you that you can't seem to shake, despite the fact that you left her behind a long time ago. Let it go. You don't need to surround yourself with mediocre friends just to feel safe any more. You've traded up remember?"
God - with friends like these, who needs a therapist?
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