Tuesday, January 15, 2008

She Said Yeah

This is one of those times where most things I say will be a sentiment stolen from the Rolling Stones (don't deny it - this happens to you too!). This entry is brought to by the letter Elle, or rather by way of Elle's letters. As she often does, Elle wrote an eloquent piece that mirrors my inner turmoil.

"You can't always get what you want"
For a number of months, I have been afraid of answering one question honestly: are you happy being single. I want to answer yes! oh I surely do - but let's face it, I'm not. I have spent a good part of my adult life rejecting all those things I consider anachronistic and outdated (white picket fences, gingham aprons, stay-at-home moms, you know the drill); I've built a very independent lifestyle that's full of good friends, good books, good food and good wine; I've established a career and built a home. Now, all I need is someone to share all this with... enter problem. Unlike everything else, I have no control over this part - I can't get a degree in man-getting and ta-da I get a man; I can't work overtime, et voilĂ , just buy one either (although, mail-order husbands would do booming business in the West, I think). I have to wait around for one to notice me and like me and then fall in love with me. In order to attract said man, I may have to give up things that I've worked so hard to make time for in the first place: go out to a bar on Friday night instead of taking a pottery class, attend singles events instead of playing Wii with the boys, put down my fiction and read up on "sports" and "computers"; I'd have relearn things I've deliberately forgotten (wearing 4-inch heels comes to mind). But what's the point? So what if I attract a man with all these efforts - wouldn't that be duplicitous? ought not I be myself? All I want is someone who likes me for me.

"Stuck between a rock and a hard place"
... as Elle defines it: "The rock is now being single, and the hard place is being married." I like all the things that come with singlehood: the no-accounting to someone else, the ability to pick up and leave whenever I want to, buying things I like and putting them in places I want. I can come and go as I please. I can choose not to shave my legs. It seems very liberating - and it is! - but it also seems very lonely. Sure, I don't have to answer to anyone, but that's only because no one is really questioning anything I'm doing; no one is really going to miss me warming the bed if I decide to move to Vanuatu; no one's waiting up for me, worried, when I come home late; certainly no one is caressing my legs while watching The Wire. It seems all this independence comes at a price - and I have no idea if I'm willing to pay it anymore.

"Let it bleed"
I want to be someone's Brown Sugar, someone's Indian Girl. Can I get a witness? But I don't want to have to play these you-can't-catch-me games to get there. Time used to be on my side, but these days I'm feeling a sense of urgency - like my best years are behind me and now all that's left in the world are men who are gay, married or leftover. And the ones who aren't seem to be in hiding. I feel like a stupid girl who worked so hard at not needing a man, I forgot all about what happens if I want one. Most times, I'm calm, cool and collected, but there are days... oh, there are days. And even though I tamped down all those romantic urges years and years ago (so I could avoid disappointment at yet another valentine's day without yellow roses), I wish I could make a connection with someone and finally get some satisfaction. I'd even be willing to wear a gingham apron.

2 comments:

LH said...

"You are not alone...I am here with you." Hear the Michael Jackson, feel the Michael Jackson, love the Michael Jackson (um, no, not in that way!).....It seems that a sacrifice is needed and we are the front line. But the war has to end at some point...and it will, the only thing is that we're certainly not privy to when that happens. In Cosmo speak....Get The Man You Deserve in Record Time (problem is.....record time is very relative and very out of our jurisdiction).....BUT I STILL LOVE YOU!

Anonymous said...

You know what's sickening? You can bet men single at our age aren't struggling with this kind of inner turmoil. Single women are a great money-making resource: stroll past the self-help section of any Chapters, not a single man to be seen, or something like Cosmo, a magazine for women that's 90% to do with how to treat or get men.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say that even in a relationship, no one's rubbing my leg while watching the Wire, and I pretty much come and go as I please too - all without handing over my precious fiction. Alright, rant-y time over. I'll be good.
P.S. I like how you mention reading books about "computers", like "these alledged 'computers' - IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!". Hee.